


Dust From Heaven

by drunkenfucker



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2020-04-12 15:45:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19135135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkenfucker/pseuds/drunkenfucker
Summary: Emma Swan is slowly getting consumed by the darkness. Not the darkness you would think though, but Regina is still the one who's there to attempt to save her from herself. TW for eating disorders and depression





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have posted this fic on ff.net also. Just so you don't think I've stolen it.

"Will you please shut up?!", Emma was in the middle of an argument with her parents. It had become more regular with these fights lately, and she already knew how it would end.

"Emma, will you please try to listen to us? You need to spend more time with us, we're your parents and we need our little-", Mary Margaret didn't get any further than that before Emma walked as calm as she could out the door and slammed it shut after her.

She had to get out and clear her head. Tears were burning in her eyes and threatening to stream down her cheeks. Not because she was feeling very sad, more because she was angry and tired. She was tired of nobody listening to her and understanding what she was going through. The pressure she had on her shoulders was something she wasn't used to. Being Henry's mother was one thing, but also Snow White and Prince Charming's daughter, the Saviour, a princess and the Sherriff was all too much. It was way too much responsibility and now she was getting yelled at because she once again couldn't handle it.

Somehow her parents always made her feel like a disappointment. She knew they didn't mean it like that, but that's how they always left her feeling about herself. Emma walked outside and started running to clear her mind. This always worked. Running had a calming effect on her. As she ran down the street and towards the woods, she saw Regina leaving Granny's with a coffee in her hand. The older woman stopped for a second and watched as Emma made her way further down the street and finally disappeared out of sight.

* * *

_3 weeks later_

Henry had noticed a change in his birth mother the last couple of months. It started off as small signs. Emma chose to spend less time with him and his grandparents and more time working. She was always working or running in the forest. It was like she was avoiding spending time home at the loft with his grandparents. Henry couldn't help but feel slightly rejected by his own mother, but on the other hand he had Regina, who had always been there since his birth. He knew how much she loved him and was finally starting to return her love. Despite this, he couldn't help questioning Emma's recent activities and even wondering if he was the one there was something wrong with.

And of course Regina noticed the difference in her not so little boy anymore. She didn't say anything, and waited until he was ready to come to her. As they were eating dinner a Thursday night, he finally said something.

"There is something wrong with Emma", he simply stated as he picked at his meal.

"What do you mean, dear?" Regina stopped eating and looked at her son. He looked up at her and shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't exactly know what is wrong with her, but she's not acting as she usually is", he answered before he continued his meal.

Regina knew he was right. She had also noticed the slightly changed attitude of the blonde woman who used to challenge her on a daily level. The woman seemed to have retreated from her aggressive front and close to never tried to return the accusations Regina threw her way. It made Regina wonder a bit, but she figured it was none of her business and continued on with her life as usual. Even though she had to admit she kind of missed the blonde being her usual self and actually stand up to her as no one else had before. She couldn't even recall having seen the blonde after she had spotted her running off towards the forest, and that was about three weeks ago.

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Regina asked Henry as they loaded the dishes into the dishwasher when they were finished with the meal.

Henry shrugged again and looked hesitantly at her, "I don't know. You might make it worse. I have already tried to ask her if anything's wrong, but she keeps saying no, so maybe you can try? She might actually listen to you".

Regina highly doubted that, but if her son asked her to she would try.

"I will talk to her tomorrow, okay?"

Henry nodded with a smile and quickly gave her a hug before running off to finish his homework.

* * *

 

Regina walked towards the station with the usual coffee in her hand. She opened the door and slowly made her way to the desk where Emma sat. Regina stopped for a second and took in the sight in front of her. The woman who usually glowed with confidence and self esteem now seemed to be gone, and replaced with a ridiculous version of the Emma Swan she knew. The blonde woman had her head rested in her hands, slowly rubbing her temples like she had a headache. She didn't even react to the sound of Regina's heels clicking down the hall towards her. Something was off with her, and Regina instantly knew it.

"Miss Swan," Regina said in a stern tone and watched as Emma slowly turned around and stood up. She watched Emma when her eyes flickered around the room, trying to focus. The woman in front of her blinked a few times and steadied herself to the desk, trying to make it unnoticeable, but of course Regina noticed.

"What are you doing here, Regina?"

"Emma, you honestly look sick"

"Gee, thanks, Regina." The lack of sarcasm in her voice had Regina wondering what was going on. That, and the look of her. Emma avoided Regina's gaze as the woman was taking in the looks of her. She wasn't kidding when she had said Emma looked sick. Her hair lacked the usual shine, she had dark rings under her eyes, her lips were dry and chipped, and her cheeks had sunken in like she had lost weight.

"My… Your…  _Our_ son is worried about you, Miss Swan".

"Can you please just call me Emma?"

"You're changing the topic". Emma sighed and finally looked her in the eyes.

"Look, I've not been sleeping well, that's all. I'm tired and I want to get back to work. Please tell Henry not to worry. I'm fine."

"Take my coffee then", Regina offered and held out her cup like it was the most normal thing to do.

"What's in it?" Emma asked as Regina lifted her eyebrow. This was definitely not the woman she thought she knew.

"My usual. Black coffee with fat-free milk."

"I prefer mine just black, so no thanks". Emma watched as Regina sat the coffee down at her desk.

"Henry wants you to join us for dinner tonight. Be there at 6 sharp", Regina said before she turned around and left the station.

Emma finally sat down in her chair and let out a deep breath. It had taken her a lot more than she would like to admit to stand for that long and pretend everything was just fine. She looked at the coffee and debated with herself if she should drink it. Then she remembered the dinner she was supposed to attend later that day and threw her coffee in the trash. She could feel the dizziness take her by surprise when she stood up to reach the trashcan, but chose to ignore it before she finally returned to her chair. Her stomach growled from the never-ending hunger she was feeling lately, and Emma couldn't help but smile. This was going to be an interesting day.


	2. Chapter 2

Emma decided to walk the way to Regina's house for the dinner. She had been running around all day, chasing dogs and "bad guys". The exhaustion was now settling in her bones, making it hard to move her feet. She focused on zoning out and not focus on the pain in her stomach or the weird feeling in her head, and concentrated on moving her feet. Suddenly she was in front of the entrance door. Her clock showed 5:59 so for once she would actually be on time. Two knocks on the door were all it took before the door opened and a grinning Henry met her.

"Ma! Come in, we're ready to eat." Henry waited as Emma closed the door behind her and took off her jacket and shoes before following him into the dining room. Emma looked at the table and back to Henry. It was lasagne, Regina's special, and Emma didn't know exactly how to feel about that. She used to love Regina's lasagne, but now she couldn't get herself to look forward to this meal. She kept silent as she sat down and stared at her plate. It was still empty before Regina cleared her throat.

"The guest first", she declared as she stared at Emma. She shook her head as she filled her plate with the lasagne and the salad that came with it. ¾ of her plate was filled up with salad, and Emma stared proudly at her plate while Henry and Regina filled their own plates. Emma could see Henry staring at her plate before looking at Regina, who followed Emma with her eyes as she shovelled food into her own mouth.

Emma chose to ignore the looks she got and focused on her plate. She had came far too long to actually give into this temptation, and chose to chop up her food in tiny pieces and playing with her food, shifting it around her plate. The sound of Regina and Henry chewing and slicing up the food was starting to get to her as she shoved her own food another round around the edge of her plate. Even if it was only salad, the thought of actually putting it into her own mouth was getting too much.

"So, Emma how is the food?" Regina asks when she finally had swallowed the last piece of lasagne from her own plate. Emma looked like she was deep in thoughts, and didn't answer as she continued to push the food around the plate. Henry gave Regina a worried glance before staring at his other mother. Regina noticed the change is her son's behaviour and once again cleared her throat.

"Emma, could you please stop playing with your food and actually eat it? I'd figure you were starving by now, if lunch was the last time you ate."

Emma finally looked up and blinked a few times in confusion. Then she almost laughed when she realized what Regina had just said. If only she knew when the last time she ate was. Emma pierced through a piece of the salad and forced the fork to her lips. She could almost feel Henry staring through her as she did this, and she could feel her head exploding. She couldn't do this. But it was only salad, it wasn't even that much, and the rational part of her reminded her that she actually needed the nutrition to keep going. On the other hand she had done so well, and she just couldn't ruin it now.

If she took this bite, she would not be able to stop. It was either everything or nothing. She knew she would hate herself if she did it, but right now she felt like she had no choice. Her son was staring at her, waiting for her to put the food in her mouth. She was so close to putting the fork down and telling them she wasn't feeling well. But she didn't. Instead she gave into the temptation and hurried to eat all of the salad before starting on the actual lasagne. It all went so fast she couldn't process what actually happened before the plate was empty in front of her and she stared at it in disbelief.

"Uhm… It was good. Thank you so much Regina, the food was delicious", Emma said as she shook her head slightly.

"Henry, I think it's time for you to finish your homework", Regina said slowly and gave her son the look he couldn't misunderstand. He nodded as he rose to his feet.

"Good night moms", he said before he hurried out of the room and disappeared upstairs.

The two women sat in silence for a moment. Regina observed, as Emma grew more and more uncomfortable where she sat. Emma just couldn't take her eyes off the plate she had just finished in about two minutes. It was so much food, and she had just eaten it all without a second thought. She felt the anxiety grow inside her, as fast as the feeling of being full. When she the realization of what had just happened hit her, the feeling of being paralyzed started to kick in. Her breath started to act weird; it was shorter and more forced. The light sweat on her forehead revealed how much she disliked being in the situation she currently was in. She thought about the food, slowly making its way down to her stomach. In the end it would be taken up by her body and add more fat to her body. Just the thought of that was enough to make her sick to her stomach.

A hand on her shoulder brought her back to her current location. In Regina's dining room. Henry had gone to do homework, and Regina was alone with her. Emma looked up at the mayor and forced a smile to her lips.

"Dinner was delicious, but I think I have to go. Unless you need help with the dishes, in that case I'm happy to stay." That was a lie though. She wasn't happy to stay. She had to get out of here as fast as possible, and she would do anything to get Regina's hand off her shoulder and be able to run out of her house.

"I think we should go to the living room and talk a bit. Maybe try to breathe as you walk in there. I wouldn't like to have you passed out on my floor and have our son coming downstairs to find you like that and think I poisoned you", Regina said slowly as she removed her hand. Why she had touched the other woman was beyond her, but she had looked so lost in thought and when she hadn't answered when Regina tried to gain her attention she had seen no other way to get her attention.

Emma rose quickly to her feet when Regina removed her hand from her shoulder. And that might have been just a bit too quickly. When Emma made her way to the living room, she could feel her vision go black and her head felt as it was shrinking. It was the worst bit about this whole thing. She knew how it went, and as she stumbled forward without seeing anything she could barely hear Regina call out for her. Emma raised her hand to signal she was fine as the other one moved over her stomach and she leaned forward, slowly sinking down to the floor.

Regina didn't quite know how to act when the woman in front of her sunk down to her knees and finally rested her head in her palms. She knew something was off with Emma, but didn't know exactly what. Henry was definitely right when he said something was wrong with his birth mother.

"I'm fine, just give me a second", Emma said when she finally regained her sight. The feeling of darkness in her head slowly disappeared, and she grabbed the doorframe right beside her as she rose to her feet again. Emma couldn't actually say that she hated this feeling. It was actually a feeling she loved. It reminded her of what she had achieved so far, and how she actually made changes with her current choice of lifestyle.

"Will you need assistance to the couch, or can you make it there yourself?" Regina asked as she made her way to stand beside Emma, ready to catch her if she was going to fall again.

"I'm fine", Emma said quickly as she made her way to the couch and dumped down. The exhaustion was written all over her face, but Regina chose, for once, to not comment on how terrible the blonde looked.

"Do you want to talk about what just happened?" The relationship between herself and Emma had slowly changed over the years. Emma had in the end chosen to sacrifice herself for Regina's happiness, which made Regina respect the woman on a whole new level. And there were extremely few people who actually had Regina's respect. When she thought about it, it was only Henry and Emma as she could think of at least.

Emma shook her head as she stared at her hands that were currently folded in her lap.

"It was nothing. I'm probably just catching a cold or something. It will be over soon".

"I know when you're lying to me, so you might as well just tell me right now". Regina had sat down within a respectable distance to the blonde woman who looked like she could have a break down at any minute now.

"I'm not! Will you please shut up about it?! It was nothing, and if you don't need help with the dishes, I would like to get going now", Emma had a pleading look in her eyes. Regina had to take deep breath before she answered. The pain and helplessness in Emma's eyes felt so real, and she had no idea why the other woman was showing these emotions. It was as Emma could read her mind, because in the next second her face and eyes were completely blank. Like the emotions had never been there in the first place.

"I will not need help with the dishes. But Emma, if there was something bothering you, you would tell me, right?"

"Why on earth would I do that?" Emma answered with the best anger she could in her current situation. Anger was probably the only emotion she could fake right now. She was good at anger. Anger was a part of her. It was not like she was angry at Regina, because Emma would always find a way to fixate the anger towards herself instead. There was always a reason to be angry with herself, and she usually had no problem with finding one in the matter of seconds.

"Maybe because we're friends now? You were the one who said so in the first place, and even though I like to think that I have no friends, you would be the closest thing I have to a friend. And as shocking it might be to you, I would not like to see one of my friends hurt or struggling. If I'm not wrong it looked like you were struggling through the whole meal we just had with our son, and that's not like you. Believe it or not, but I've actually been paying attention to your behaviour, and that back there was not what I'd expect from you." Regina said this very calmly as she could see Emma was starting to boil with rage. She knew she had said too much, and braced herself for the response.

"We might be friends, and I'm glad to hear that you care or something, but it's nothing really. I'm fine. Except from the fact that I might be a bit tired from all the work I've been doing lately and I would like to get home to my apartment, or maybe even to visit my parents for once." The response had surprised Regina a bit, because the look on Emma's face did not actually match with her words. She chose to ignore that for this time and nodded slowly.

"Thank you for the meal, it was delightful", Emma said before rising form the couch and finding her way out. That last part made Regina freeze where she was sitting. She couldn't move to follow Emma to the door. The bitterness in Emma's voice was so clear that the younger woman might as well had spit poison in her face. Regina shrugged when she heard the door close, before she made her way to the kitchen to clean up after dinner.

* * *

Emma was running as fast as she could back to her own apartment. She had been so close to breaking down in Regina's house. The meal hadn't done her anything good. Why had she even showed up at her house? It wasn't like Regina had forced her to show up. But she had used Henry, and of course Regina knew that Emma couldn't resist when it involved their son. When she looked back at the night's events… No she wouldn't even think of it. She couldn't let herself get dragged down by her own thoughts again. She kept running, one foot in front of the other. Her own apartment was in front of her way too soon. The few miles she had been running were nothing, but her head was spinning now and she couldn't do anything but making her way into her so called home. Of course the first thing she did was finding her way to the cabinet where she kept the alcohol. She grabbed the first bottle she found and dumped down on the couch.

Today had been a disaster. No, not the whole day. Just the night. The dinner. The food. The sneaky little calories. She tried to force herself not to think about them. The usual feeling of paranoia and disappointment in herself was slowly sinking in. Why did this have to happen with her once again? She was happy now. She was supposed to be happy. She had the perfect life. A lovely son, parents who loved her, friends who loved her, and of course her best friend, Regina, who never failed to challenge her, but always in the right ways. She wasn't supposed to go down this path again. Despite her better knowledge she knew where she was going to end up, and what kind of hell her everyday life was going to be from here. With this clear in her mind she opened the bottle and started to drown her sorrows in the alcohol. Emma almost laughed at herself as she realized her current situation.

She wasn't feeling sorry for herself. She knew she deserved this. But after all she needed to sleep, and she knew… She just knew so well that after tonight she wouldn't be able to sleep without the alcohol. As she sunk deeper into her own darkness, tears were starting to burn in her eyes. That only made her angrier with herself. She could not cry whatsoever. This was not the time to show weakness. Even to herself. But in the end, Emma had never felt more disappointed with herself than in that moment.

* * *

Regina couldn't sleep at all that night. She stayed up, wondering if she should call Emma to check if she was fine after she had stormed off earlier in the evening. In the end she chose not to. She didn't exactly know why, but it had to have something to do with the way Emma had left. She knew something was wrong with her friend, but she didn't want to push. Maybe she was just sick as she claimed to be. Of course that was just what Regina wanted it to be. She knew deep down that there was something bothering the younger woman, but it was clear to her that she didn't want to talk to her about it. As Regina tried to sleep, she thought about ways to figure out this whole situation. She even considered calling in Snow for help, but as soon as she thought that she wanted to hit herself in the head. Of course Snow was not the woman to bring into this situation, even if she was Emma's mother. Regina had to find this out on her own, and she felt a weird calming warmth spreading in her stomach as she planned out how to approach this situation.

If it was something she had learned about Emma Swan after all these years, it was that the woman never stopped to amaze her in every way possible. Even if this was going to ruin their relationship, Regina knew she had to do something, because something was not right, and she couldn't just sit around and watch as her friend disappeared in front of her.

As the alarm started to ring with that ever so annoying sound, Regina knew the following days, weeks or even months were going to be a challenging time for her and Emma's friendship. She got to her feet and got dressed for the day, hoping the other woman was in good shape after last night and ready for a new day. She knew with herself that she was going to do everything it would take to fix whatever was going on with her friend.


	3. Chapter 3

_Run._

_Run while you can._

_Run for your life._

_Run._

_Run._

_Run._

It was the second night after the dinner at Regina's house. Sleep hadn't found its way to her on either Thursday or Friday night, but this night she actually managed to fall asleep at a reasonable time. That was until the voices started.. Emma rose from the bed in one quick movement, and debated for only one second if she should actually go for a run or drink some of her usual scotch and go back to sleep. She decided to go with the first. In two minutes she was starting to run from her apartment and towards the woods as usual.

Emma had her usual route, and felt a calming and familiar warmth spread throughout her body as she ran. A quick glance at her watch revealed it was only 4:17 in the morning. At least there were no other people awake at this time. Not even Regina.

The brunette deserved a special prize for her effort the last days. She had tried so hard to converse with Emma, offering to eat their lunch together, either at Granny's or in one of their offices. Emma had politely declined though. Every time she came up with a new excuse. She just couldn't get herself to say yes. She couldn't eat in front of the other woman. Couldn't let her see when she was weak and needed attention and care.

Emma just felt it as she didn't need the care and worry. Even if her parents were getting involved and had started questioning her recent behavior. She just couldn't wrap her head around it. So she ran. She ran for her life, through the woods. An hour passed, her breathing getting more and more forced and irregular. She continued running.

_You can do better._

_You're worthless, you need this._

_Run._

_Prove yourself._

_Run._

_Run._

_RUN._

And run she did. She ran to the point where her feet couldn't longer carry her. And that's when the voices started pointing out she was too heavy and definitely needed the running. Even if she could no longer feel her legs, she kept running like she was being chased. Emma could feel the dizziness start to surround her. At this point she couldn't feel a thing anymore. But the voices had stopped. Finally she was alone again. She made her way back to the apartment when her watch showed 6:13. As she stumbled into the hallway, dripping with sweat and legs trembling from exhaustion, she heard her mother's voice call out. Perfect. What was she doing her at this time of the day?

"What on earth have you been doing young lady?" Mary Margaret asked in an ever so slightly annoyed tone.

"I've been out running, if you can't tell that from just looking at me," Emma was too tired to put some fake emotion to her answer.

"At this time?"

"I'm staying in shape. Comes with my job".

"Are you eating properly? It looks like you are getting thinner, Emma. Are you sick?" Mary Margaret's face revealed the worry for her daughter. She wasn't blind to her daughter's recent activities. The fact that Emma always seemed to be either working out or drinking had both her and her husband sick with worry. They just didn't want to interact and by that perhaps make it worse.

"My eating is just fine. If you'll excuse me I have to shower before work". Emma started to make her way to the bathroom when she felt her mother grab her arm. She flinched and pulled back her arm.

"Today is Sunday, Emma", Mary Margaret stated as she tried meeting Emma's gaze.

"Yeah, I knew that", Emma mumbled before retreating to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.

* * *

Regina walked out of her office, finished for the day. She was getting more and more desperate, or maybe not desperate, anxious was the word she was looking for maybe. It had been a week since the dinner at her place, and every attempt she had made to talk with Emma, to hear what was going on with her, had been, surprisingly enough, very politely turned down. Regina had to stand on the side and watch as her friend, or whatever she should call her, isolated herself from her surroundings and got more closed off by every day that passed by. This behaviour called for more… Well, drastic interference if she had to be honest.

It was Thursday night, and she had already talked with Mary Margaret. Even if Regina didn't exactly enjoy the company of the other woman, she had let Henry stay with his grandparents, and Mary Margaret had begged Regina to help her daughter. If Regina was being honest with herself she thought that there was not exactly so much hope that  _she_ of all people would be able to help Emma. But here she was; at Emma's doorstep on a Thursday night. An almost silent sigh escaped her lips as she knocked on the door and waited patiently for Emma to open.

The sight that met her was, as she had suspected, a not so very sober Emma. Regina wasn't stupid. She knew Emma was drinking more than what was normal for a working and well functioning woman.

"What are you doing here, Regina? Did my mother send you to check on me? Has she given up on me already? I would like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not actually…" Emma swayed a bit before leaning heavily on the doorframe to prevent her from stumbling down the stairs.

"Honestly, Emma. Say that your mother asked me to check on you, what makes you think I would actually do as she told me to?" Regina had to put on the emotionless mask in order not to show the worry that would have been written all over her face. Emma did indeed look ill, just like Mary Margaret had said.

"Fair enough. Come in if that's what you want. I'm just about to pop open the rum", Emma said as she made her way back to her living room.

Regina followed and raised her eyebrow a bit when she saw how much the other woman must had been drinking already. Another thing that made Regina a bit startled was the warmth that met her when she had entered the living room. It was like being in the middle of the desert, with hot wind blowing straight up her face. Maybe the blonde was actually getting sick, and nothing more serious than that. She sat down beside Emma on the couch and took the bottle from Emma's trembling hands.

"If you're here to make me stop drinking you might as well leave now".

"I was thinking more about pouring for both of us, but if you're insisting on stopping now I would be more than happy to join you on that adventure as well", Regina said as she poured the rum into two plastic cups. Very sophisticated, and so classic Emma. She already knew the answer to her statement, and didn't even bother to put the bottle down. If Emma was getting drunk (or should she say more drunk than she already was, so to say completely wasted) she might as well get drunk with her.

Emma took the plastic cup and brought it to her lips. Everything went down in one gulp. She waited for Regina to do the same before filling the cups again. And again. And again. And one more time. Emma loved the feeling of numbness that came over her when she drank like this. She felt invincible, like there were no problems too severe for her in this world. Of course she knew better. Tomorrow would be like the days she was getting so used to by now.

"It's hot in here", Regina suddenly stated.

"It's not. I'm freezing", Emma answered in a nonchalant tone.

That statement had Regina surprised. Emma was sitting there in what looked like layer on layer with clothing, and then the woman had just said she was freezing? In this temperature? Regina laid a hand on Emma's forehead to check for a fever. Emma threw herself backwards into the couch to avoid Regina's touch.

"I'm just checking if you're sick. Relax, dear". Regina's soothing voice made Emma calm down just a little bit, and when Regina once again touched her forehead she sat completely still and let her do it.

"You are indeed freezing, dear. What on earth is going on with you?" This time Regina couldn't hide the emotions in her voice. Emma hated it. She hated to feel like a burden and the reason why people were worrying. At the same time she enjoyed it. It was like a fake feeling of having somebody care for her. She knew it was fake, but that didn't make it feel any less good in that exact moment.

As Emma shook her head and started on a new serving with rum, Regina took a moment to take in the features of woman in front of her. Emma's face was pale. Her hair looked like it had lost all life, and was it thinner as well? It looked like it, but she couldn't be sure without actually touching it. Her cheeks were hollow, and the lips had a slight tint of blue to them, and so incredibly dry. She caught a glimpse of her collarbone. It pointed out, as it was as sharp as a blade, threatening to cut through her skin. But the worst part was her eyes. They were sunken into deep sockets, and accompanied by dark circles underneath. And even if Emma didn't look her in the eyes, she could see how there was no light, or that usual spark in them. It was just emptiness and hopelessness. It was as this was the first time Regina really  _saw_ how fragile she looked, and it both scared her and sparked something inside of her.

"Don't look at me like that", Emma said barely audible.

"Like what?"

"Like you're trying to find flaws. It's not as you have to look at me very long to find them". Emma said this with both embarrassment and shame. She couldn't get herself to look up and meet the deep brown eyes that were looking at her.

"Have you eaten today?" Regina's question seemed to catch Emma off guard and she could almost see the defence go up inside of her. And of course, because Emma wasn't prepared for the question, she didn't have an answer ready.

Emma sat hunched forward, and wrapped her hands around her stomach. It looked as if she was defeated.

"You can't fix me, Regina", she said slowly, without looking up.

"I know", was all she said. Emma felt something she couldn't describe shoot through her body. It was not as if the answer was the wrong one, but she had hoped, just a tiny piece of her had hoped that the other woman would actually try. Not that it was her responsibility. Emma honestly didn't know what was going on with her feelings at this point. Regina seemed to notice the small change in Emma's reaction and scooted a bit closer to her before taking the blonde's pale blue hands into her own. They were freezing. Ice cold. Almost felt like a corps' fingers.

"I know I can't fix you. But it is just because there is nothing to fix. You are not broken. You do not need fixing, Emma. You are a smart, gorgeous and wonderful lady. I think you maybe just need some help realizing that yourself", Regina said as her eyes were fixed on Emma's face. And when those words escaped Regina's lips, Emma finally met her eyes. For a moment there was a flicker of hope in the blonde's eyes. As if she actually believed in what Regina had just said. And that was enough for the brunette. All she needed was that flicker of light, even if it was just there for a short moment.

Emma leaned into the brunette, as if she had given up on supporting her own weight anymore. She felt the arms of the older woman wrap around her, and just hold her.

"It's all I can think of. All day and all night. I'm not able to rest. Not even a single moment of peace. It's so exhausting", Emma was on the verge of tears now. Regina provided her with the sorely needed comfort, and she couldn't help but feel some kind of safety in her arms.

"I don't want you to see me like this, weak and struggling. I'm usually in control. In control of my emotions and the calories… And the voices", her words were barely a whisper as her body started shaking. She was freezing, she was exhausted and she was so tired of it all.

"I just want it to stop. I just need a minute with peaceful rest. Is that too much to ask for?" Regina figured the question was more to herself than to her, but she chose to answer either way.

"You can sleep now. I'll be here when you wake up". And that permission to rest was the only thing Emma needed right there. It felt good lying in Regina's arms, as the brunette stroked her back slowly. This kind of physical contact was something Emma wouldn't usually allow. But right now she was drained from the last week's events, and right there it felt like she might actually have a chance at going back. She could finally imagine what her life had been like without this dance with the devil.

Regina continued to stroke her back, and moved on to her hair as well. Her hair was thinner, as she had expected. But it was just hair, it would grow out again.

"Sleep now, dear. I won't leave you until you make me. And even then I won't go without a fight".


	4. Chapter 4

It turned out Regina kept her promise. At least that's what Emma thought when she woke up the next day, almost in Regina's lap. The brunette hadn't left her side when she slept through the night, and even now she was still keeping her hands wrapped around Emma as if to protect her from something.

As the effect of the alcohol had worn off, Emma suddenly felt sick from the contact. Then she remembered what happened last night, and how close she had been to a total breakdown. She was lucky enough to not get hangover from drinking, but in that moment she felt sick to the stomach, followed by a sudden urge to throw up.

The warmth from Regina was enough to make a small part of Emma want to stay where she was, but the other part of her brain, the one with the most control over her, told her to get away from the grip she had on her. As Emma retreated from her spot Regina woke up and looked at her.

"Did you sleep well?" was all she asked. Not even a simple 'good morning'. Was she suddenly not worthy of a good morning anymore? Not wanting to think about that any further, she simply nodded and avoided eye contact.

"We don't have work today. I figured you could use a day off", Regina continued. Emma felt anger rise to her cheeks when she heard this. How did she dare to simply give her a day off? Like a grounded little five year old.

"And you're here as my babysitter?" she asked with a tone soaked with bitterness.

"Emma, I – "

"I did sleep well, thank you. Now I need to shower", Emma said as she rose from the couch and turned around before the other woman got a chance to say anything else. She had to wash off the dirty feeling she could sense coming. As she stepped into the shower, she once again thought of what she had said last night. She regretted it. Oh how much she regretted opening up the way she did. It wasn't as she had said so much, but what she  _had_ said and done was probably enough for Regina to start interfere with her life.

The hot water poured over her, and she parted her lips to let the water flood into her mouth.  _Down the throat, into her lungs, filling up her lungs making her unable to breathe._  Drowning in the shower, what a relief that would have been. She wouldn't have to get up every morning and live through this kind of hell.

What was the reason with waking up every morning if every day was going to be the same? The same fight every day. It was a fight in her own mind, but it was like she was fighting with her body. The only thing was that she was paralyzed and not able to defend herself. She could feel this madness swallowing her, chewing her whole and spitting her out only to have her pretend that the bruises from being eaten alive wasn't there.

The more she thought about it the more she realized how helpless she was. It was like swimming without hands. How can you swim without hands? It was practically impossible. The only thing she could do was hold her breath and hope she would float.

But then came the starving. It wasn't like she knew she wasn't starving herself but she needed it. The starving was like her lifebuoy when she couldn't get her head above the water. The starving became her hands. It swam for her, kept her safe when the water surrounding her became too much.

Emma knew she didn't need anyone else, and she was going to fix last night's slip of mind as soon as she got downstairs again. If Regina was still there that was. When she came down Regina was in the kitchen, making eggs and bacon. When Emma entered the kitchen she turned around and smiled at her.

"I had to go to the store and get food as your shelves and fridge lack everything but carrots and celery, but I'm almost done with breakfast". Emma thought she had never felt that uncomfortable in her whole life before. What was she to do? The woman had made her breakfast, and she was almost done and it was expected from her to suck it up and eat it all with a smile.

"I'm vegan". The words were out of her mouth before she could even think twice about it. It was almost scary how lying came this easy to her. She knew, of course, that Regina wasn't that easily fooled, but it was just a natural response and she was so used to the line that it just fell from her mouth.

"Don't bother, dear. Remember that I know when you're lying".

"Look, I appreciate everything you did for me last night". Well, that's a lie. She didn't appreciate it at all. She felt horrible about last night. But she sure as hell wasn't going to tell Regina that.

"But I'm fine and I don't need your breakfast or your surveillance. You can go home to your house and pick up Henry after school and have your dinner in peace and… Please just go, Regina". Emma was starting to feel lightheaded but she almost didn't notice. She was so used to it that she didn't know what she would be without that feeling.

"I'm not leaving you, Emma! What part of that sentence didn't you understand last night?"

I can't have you here, Regina. I can't have you here, because I'm afraid I'll start crying and feel things again. Things I don't want to feel. I  _can't_ have you here. I want you here, but I'm not ready to have you here, do you understand that Regina? All that was what Emma was going to say, what she wanted to say. She didn't.

"You're not wanted here, Regina. Get out!" was what finally came out of her.

"I don't care if you want me here or not. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Don't you see that? I know you're not as fine as you like to think you are. I know you don't feel as if you need my help, and maybe that's right, maybe you don't need  _my_ help, but I'm the one who is here now and – "

"Stop". Emma could feel anger flare up inside of her. She needed Regina to shut up before she started to cry from frustration.

"No, you listen to me. I'm the one who is here now and, believe it or not; I care about your well-being. And if you think for one second –".

"Please stop talking".

"If you think for  _one_ second, that I believe that bullshit about you being fine, you're wrong. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Have you seen yourself? The sad part is that I believe you have. But you don't see what I see. You don't see yourself – ". Regina was on fire now. Emma's eyes started to tear up as she kept on going. She had to stop. Emma couldn't take it if this went any longer

"For gods sakes shut up!" Her voice sounded angrier and louder than she intended it to. If Regina couldn't see how much she was struggling, she was obviously as blind as she claimed not to be.

"Emma, listen to me. If you won't listen to me I will have to find someone who can get through to you. Maybe your mother is a good option?"

"Stop talking! Just shut your mouth. Stop…. Stop… Just stop!" Emma took a shaky breath as she steadied herself at the counter. She knew Regina was watching, but she was dizzy now, so dizzy she knew it wouldn't last long before she was going to fall.

"I'm tired of everybody pretending to care and pretending to want to talk, when it's so very clear to me that nobody gives a fuck. Enough with pretending to care if I'm fine or not, I'm tired of it and I would very much appreciate it if you just leave me alone from now on", she said in a surprisingly calm tone. She folded her hands over her chest and stared at Regina. The brunette just slightly shook her head before gathering her belongings and gently shut the door behind her.

She was gone. Good. It was good, she was gone. And it was good. It was what she wanted. Emma couldn't have Regina in her apartment right now. Or maybe ever. But she wanted her there. How bad she wanted Regina to be by her side. She was probably the best friend Emma had, and she always seemed to genuinely care about her.

_It's fake._

_Don't let it fool you._

_Stupid girl._

Exhaustion hit her hard as she went to clean the kitchen. She wanted to eat the food. She wanted it so bad. One part of her knew she needed some kind of nutrition to keep going. The other part told her that was what the carrots were for. The smell of eggs and bacon almost had her paralyzed and her stomach growled from going for two days without anything else than five carrots to fuel her.

Pride filled her when she thought about this achievement. It didn't last long.

_You can do better._

_Less carrots._

_More days._

_Less calories._

_You need to do better._

When she realized she had been staring at the food for five minutes without moving, she looked at her watch. 9:57am, her scheduled breakfast was in three minutes. Maybe just one single bite would be enough to shut up her stomach and the burning sensation within her intestines. At 10am sharp she put a small bite of egg into her mouth. She chewed and chewed and chewed until it didn't taste anything. Then she went on with the bacon. Just a small bite.

She should have known better.

One small bite always turned into everything. It was either everything or nothing. She preferred nothing. Thinking about the cleanness of her bowels had always calmed her down. But they weren't clean anymore. They were filled with food. Ugly and sneaky calories.

She ran into the bathroom and locked the door. How silly. Locking the door when she was alone. Silly girl, she thought to herself.

There it was. Her reflection. She leaned up close to the mirror and looked at her face. She could feel the skin tightening and filling up with fat from the bacon. The calories just made their way to her ribs and hips and stomach. Her clothes were ripped off in an instant, and she started to check out every inch of herself. Still fat to pinch between her fingers. As she ran her hands over her collarbone and down to her ribs it was as she could feel the calories from the breakfast adding to the layer of fat that was already there.

Then she realized what she had said to Regina.

She realized what she had lost in the last fifteen minutes.

Gone were the two days of almost eating nothing.

Gone was Regina. Her best friend was gone.

All alone, once again.

She slowly sunk down to the bathroom floor and clung her arm tightly around her knees.

Then the tears started to fall. When they first started, she knew they wouldn't stop anytime soon.

_Weak girl._

_Weak, silly girl._

_What a disappointment._

_Can't even do a simple thing like avoiding eggs and bacon._

_Worthless little girl._

_Why do you even bother trying._

As the voice grew louder it got harder to breathe. She gasped for air as she cried herself into a sensation of numbness.

_Don't bother waking up._

_You're a failure._

She knew it was right. It was always right. That had been proven over and over again. Still, she didn't seem to learn from her mistakes. The crying wouldn't stop, even if she felt it as she had cried for days. And she knew… Emma knew she wouldn't get better. She had to learn how to live with this living nightmare all over again. With determination she pulled her knees closer to her chest. She was going to prove to them all, Regina, her mother and father and Henry, and everybody else, that she was a well functioning human being.

_Silly girl._

_What are you thinking._


	5. Chapter 5

It was no more than four days after the catastrophic night where Regina had witnessed her being vulnerable. Emma had been doing her best to get her façade back up and going. It seemed like the best strategy was to just pretend the night didn't happen at all. Perhaps Regina would forget too. Or at least just never mention it again.

Emma was feeling a bit conflicted about the whole situation. For one she wanted to be left to herself and not have anyone interfere with her questionable life decisions. On the other hand, a part of her longed after being seen and busted for what she was doing. It was like a tiny part of her wanted someone to help her out of this mess. The other part over her usually shut down the part of her thinking in these ways. Today was not an exception.

The last two days Emma had gone to work at reasonable times and tried her best to seem normal. It seemed to work on David at least. He didn't look as worried as he had been lately, and Emma silently congratulated herself on her effort. When she went to lunch she made sure to always be seen by someone, and made a big deal out of ordering and seemingly eating all of her food. She also managed to have dinner with Henry most days. Even he seemed to think his mother was back to normal.

It was therefore with great pride Emma walked into the office this day. Naturally she hadn't been eating anything else than the little amounts she managed to get down when she was with someone at lunch or having dinner with Henry. Nothing made her feel better than what she felt right now. In control of the situation. Emma sat down at her desk and pulled out her cup of coffee. Just plain black of course.

The day went on as good as it could be and before she knew it, Emma was heading towards the diner to get lunch. She felt a slight panic rising inside of her as she had not yet found anyone to witness her eating lunch. David was not in today.

"Emma, hi", Emma turned around to see who had called her name.

"Archie. Hi. Anything I can help you with?"

Archie smiled.. was it nervously? He sure seemed a bit off, but Emma couldn't quite put her finger on what it was.

"Eh, actually no. But I understand I might be able to help you",

Emma felt like what she imagined being shot in the stomach must feel like. She eyed him suspiciously and did some quick thinking.

"I'm sorry Archie, but I don't really see how a psychiatrist would be able to assist a sheriff? I'll make sure to remember it if I ever should need your skillset though". She thought it would be better to play clueless for now and see where the conversation was going.

"No, I think you misunderstand. Not Swan the sheriff, but Emma the woman. A little bird told me you are.. How should I put this?" Archie lowered his voice a bit and looked around to make sure no one was present, "Struggling and could use my professional input".

Emma could feel the anger starting to build from the pit of her stomach, but she had to control it for now.

"Whatever you may  _think_ you have heard is clearly wrong. I am perfectly fine and absolutely not in need of your help", she turned away from him and was about to walk away when he grabbed her wrist.

"Even if you are in denial right now Emma, just know that I am here when you are ready to process what you are going through. And remember that you have people around you who loves you and just want what's best for you". Emma wrenched herself from his grip and started walking away without saying a thing or even looking at him.

This must be as uncomfortable as she had felt since the morning she realized what she had told Regina. Regina, of course. Who else could it be that sent Archie after her like she was some kind of crazy person on the loose. Emma changed direction from the diner to Regina's office.

"Regina!" Emma strode straight into the older woman's office without knocking or asking permission. Regina looked up from some papers she was reading to see Emma standing in front of her desk, slightly out of breath and obviously pissed about something.

"What can I help you with, Emma?" Regina looked like she had no idea why Emma suddenly appeared in her office, clearly angry for some reason.

"Oh, you know very well what you have done. Archie, Regina, really?  _Archie?!_ "

"Yes, Emma, Archie. If you're not going to talk to me or anyone else for that matter I figured Archie could be a good candidate." Emma had expected Regina to flat out deny that she had sent Archie after her and was too confused to come up with a reply quickly enough.

"He won't tell anyone what you're saying. Of course, I wouldn't do that either, but he is actually prevented to do so by the law. And seeing as he is professional I think he could help you in ways I or anyone else that cares about you but don't have the knowledge he has can".

Emma just stood there, trying to process the information. Regina hadn't been fooled by her carefully executed plan. She had seen right through her and after Emma had tried to hurt Regina so bad she wouldn't come back, Regina had gone to greater lengths to try and help her.

"I don't need to talk to anyone. Yes, I will admit I've had a little rough patch but I am fine now. I promise". Emma had spoken on autopilot. She didn't understand how, but every time someone offered help or to make her life a little better she managed to produce the same lie. And people usually believed her and left her alone.

Regina sighed, followed by taking a deep breath. Like she was steadying herself to say something uncomfortable.

"As much as I want to believe you, I can see that you are not fine Emma. You may have the rest of this town fooled, but not me. I just want to help you. I lie awake at night thinking about you. Why you refuse help, why you are doing this. I just wish you would accept that people care about you – that  _I_  care about you".

Regina could practically see Emma starting to freak out and she knew she would just storm off if given the opportunity to do so. She sat a bit straighter and mentally prepared herself for the next bit. Before Emma had a chance to say anything or go anywhere Regina continued,

"David is taking over your duties as sheriff and Mary Margaret will be taking care of Henry. You are coming with me on a well-deserved vacation".

Emma scoffed, "Very funny Regina. You can't force me to come on vacation with you. Not happening".

"That's right I can't force you. But I am the mayor and I can make you unemployed. I will also prevent you from seeing Henry at all if you don't do this". Regina hated making ultimatums like this. She knew it would make Emma furious but at the moment she couldn't see any other way. She just hoped Emma would be able to see why she did this and forgive her in the future.

If it was one thing Emma hated more than anything in this world it was feeling like she was forced to do something. But as angry as it made her, how bad could it be? A couple of days at the most, and she would just have to do some real good acting to convince Regina she was fine. Yes, she could do that.

"Fine, I'll go with you".


	6. Chapter 6

Emma could tell this was going to be a bit more challenging than first anticipated. Regina was just _so_ observant. They arrived after about three hours driving. It had soon become clear that they were going up in the mountain where there was no other people. Emma’s body was itching after sitting still for so long. She couldn’t wait to get out of the car, stretch her legs and perhaps even go for a run.

“How long are we staying?” Emma asked as they pulled up to their temporary accommodation.

Regina found a place to park the car and turned it off.

“Until I say we can go home. Maybe some days, maybe some weeks. However long it takes.”

“However long what takes? Seriously Regina, what is your goal with this?” Emma took off her seatbelt and got ready to leave if the conversation got too much.

“You’ll see,” was all Regina said as she got out of the car, got their luggage and headed towards the front door.

Apparently Regina owned properties everywhere which did not surprise Emma in the slightest. It would best be described as a cabin but could also easily be big enough to be someone’s house. There was a quite spacious porch with an outdoor fireplace and seating area to the left of the front door. To the right there was another door which looked like it led straight into the master bedroom.

Emma followed Regina inside and looked around. There was a big open space kitchen, dining and living area. The master bedroom was on the other side and a bit bigger than Emma had expected.

“Uhh, is this the only bedroom here?” she asked Regina, making it sound as casual as she could.

Regina raised an eyebrow and gave Emma a little smile.

“What, afraid I’m going to strangle you in your sleep?”

Emma opened her mouth to answer but her voice didn’t seem to want to work with her at the moment. Or maybe it was her brain that didn’t know what to say in response. Whatever the reason it felt like forever before Regina continued.

“I’m just kidding, dear. There are three more bedrooms upstairs. You can choose whatever room you want except from this one, it’s mine,” Regina pointed toward the stairs outside the bedroom they were in right now before she started to unpack her things.

Could Regina possibly know that Emma had hoped she could have the master bedroom? Emma had thought so the second she saw the door leading outside directly from the bedroom. She could sneak out during the night and go running without waking Regina. Having one of the bedrooms upstairs meant sneaking down the stairs that went directly past Regina’s bedroom. This would mean greatly increasing the risk of Regina waking up and catching her.

No, Emma concluded, there was no way Regina could have known that was her plan. Regina might be observant and extremely sharp, but she didn’t read minds. Did she?

Emma realized she was still standing in Regina’s bedroom. She grabbed her luggage and started to climb the stairs. There was a door directly on her left when she got to the top which she opened. Emma didn’t bother to check the other bedrooms, just threw her stuff onto the bed before heading downstairs again.

She found the couch and sat down waiting for Regina to finish unpacking.

It didn’t take long before Regina came out form her bedroom.

“I need to go to the local store and get us some groceries. You want to come?”

“No thanks, I’ll stay here and go for a walk outside or something.”

Regina looked as if she was going to say something on the subject but ended up nodding.

“Alright. Anything you want me to buy?”

Emma did some quick thinking. She had to appear as she was eating like a normal person to get Regina off her ass. Normal people bought normal food. And not only one thing but a variety of foods.

“Uh, yeah. Carrots?” Emma tried. She saw Regina looking at her like she was expecting her to continue.

“And maybe… I don’t know, I can’t really think of anything right now. Just buy something, I’ll have whatever you’re having,” she finished and left the room before Regina could say anything else.

She got to her room and could hear Regina closing the door and starting the car. After couldn’t hear the car anymore she quickly unpacking everything and grabbed her workout clothes before heading to the bathroom.  

Her clothes were on the floor in an instant and there she was in front of the full-length mirror in only her underwear.

Emma wasn’t stupid, she knew she was too thin. Her hip bones looked as if they were threatening to break the skin at any moment. The skin on her ribs hugged them so tight she could easily count them all. She was so pale that seeing her ribs like that reminded her of piano keys. Her hands started stroking them as if on autopilot. Not long after they found her collarbones. They felt sharp to the touch and stuck out so much that Emma could place her fingers around them and imagined pulling them out. A soft chuckle escaped her lips as she let go and imagined how stupid she would look without collarbones.

Her gaze wandered to her thighs. They were thin and firm to the touch. Her fingers gripped around them to see if she could still get her fingers to touch. A feeling of relief flooded through her hen they did. Emma let go of her thigh and just stood there for a moment staring at herself in the mirror before pulling her clothes on.

She couldn’t find a key to lock the front door with before she left but figured it didn’t matter as they literally were the only people for miles. This was going to be refreshing, running in a new place. She started with a light jog and quickly found a pathway into the forest.

They were not high enough up in the mountain so that the trees didn’t grow anymore. It fit Emma perfectly because she much preferred running amongst the trees. She sped up and continued down the path, remembering to notice where she was so that she wouldn’t get lost on the way home.

Emma had been running for a while when she suddenly felt her body stopping to cooperate. She hated when this happened. No matter how hard she pushed she could not get her legs to move any faster than a walking pace. It felt like every cell in her body was depleted of energy and just couldn’t function anymore. She had no other choice than to turn around and continue in that embarrassingly slow pace.

It hurt to breathe. The air felt like it was turning to ice in her lungs and not getting her blood the oxygen it needed. Soon her body felt like it was on fire and everything got so heavy. Even holding up her arms seemed impossible. Her vision started to fail her as she slowly but surely mad her way back to the cabin.

Emma had no idea how long she had been going for when she got back. She only knew that it was starting to get dark and Regina was sure to be home by now. She could finally glimpse the cabin some hundred meters ahead. Even if she tried to get her legs to speed up it was just impossible to get them to move any faster. She was gasping for air now, like a person who had been underwater too long.

When she reached the cabin she saw, as expected, Regina’s car parked in the back. Emma knew that hoping Regina wouldn’t say anything when she came inside was hoping a bit too much. She braced herself as she made her way to the front door.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love every single one of your comments! Like I truly appreciate feedback, whatever it is.
> 
> Also, I need help. If Regina is to keep making food I need suggestions because it turns out I can’t think of anything on my own. What do normal people eat?

Regina was making food when she got inside. She was stirring something at the stove that smelled delicious and made Emma’s very empty stomach do what felt like flips inside of her. As Emma sat down by the kitchen table Regina turned to face her.

“Where have you been?” Regina asked softly.

As if that wasn’t obvious. Emma was standing there in workout clothes, dripping with sweat and she was quite sure she looked like a person who just ran a marathon.

“Out running,” she answered without offering any other information.

“Did anything happen? You look a bit paler than usual,” there was nothing but concern in Regina’s voice. No judging or annoying tone to it. Emma did not expect this, she was ready for yelling and screaming, maybe even accusations, but not concern.

She didn’t know what to answer and stood up.

“I need a shower before I start freezing.” Which was a half-lie. She was always freezing these days, but she knew how bad it would get if she didn’t get in the shower soon.

“Use mine downstairs. Just go through the bedroom. There’s also a sauna in the back if you’re really feeling cold,” Regina offered, and Emma nodded and gave her the best smile she could muster.

It only took a moment after she had closed the door to the bathroom. Her vision started to go black. That horrible feeling of having to throw up. Her head feeling like it was being wrapped in cotton. She tried to find a place to sit down but wasn’t fast enough this time. Everything turned black as she felt her body hitting the floor.

The next thing Emma sensed was a hand on her cheek. She opened her eyes and found Regina crouching next to her.

“Emma?! There you are! I heard when you fall all the way from the kitchen. Come here, I’ll help you sit up.” It wasn’t a question and Emma just nodded.

She felt Regina’s arms sliding around her back and pulling her to a sitting position. Emma felt completely helpless where she sat. It was like there wasn’t any energy left in her body. Even sitting upright was pushing it at this point.

Emma tilted her head so that it was resting against the wall and struggled with keeping her eyes open.

“Regina, I-,” she started, but had to give up on forming a sentence at that point. Regina sat beside her and held on to her, made sure she didn’t fall over again.

“Shh, it’s okay Emma. Just save your strength for now.”

“I really need to shower. I’m freezing. I can’t seem to do it on my own, but…” her voice trailed off and she looked away.

“What, what is it Emma? What do you need me to do? I’m here to help, whatever you need,” Regina replied and took Emma’s hand tentatively. When Emma didn’t pull her hand from her grip she gave it a little squeeze in reassurance.

“I think if you help me undress and get me in the shower I can do the rest myself. And then… If you could just… stay? Just in case,” Emma said with some hesitation, while she couldn’t get herself to look directly at Regina while voicing her request.

Emma could not describe how ashamed it made her feel to have to ask for help like a little kid. And not to mention the fact that Regina now would see her body without clothes on. It all made her feel extremely uncomfortable, but she honestly didn’t think she would be able to get her clothes off on her own.

“Of course! Anything I can do to help you. Here, hands over your head,” Regina said as she started to pull her sweater off over her head. Emma did as she said and the next second her sweater was pulled off her, followed by her pants. Regina’s soft and warm hands carefully removed her socks before she felt Regina hesitating.

“Oh Emma, what have you done?” she heard Regina whisper. Despite Emma’s attempts to cover her body with her arms Regina was obviously able to see how she looked. She risked a glance at Regina’s face and could see concern written all over it. Her eyes were getting that glossy look Emma knew was moments away from shedding tears.

“It’s okay, I know I am disgusting,” Emma could feel how her throat was starting to feel weird, like it did before she would start to cry. Her eyes were burning, and she hurried to hide her face in her hands. It didn’t take long before she could feel Regina’s hands on her own, tugging them away from her face.

“No, Emma. That is not true. It pains me that you don’t believe me but please believe me when I say that I am here for you and I will not leave you. Do you hear me Emma? I will _never_ leave you,” her hands were gently cupping Emma’s face and wiping away her tears.

Emma nodded and let herself be vulnerable for a moment. She did feel safe with Regina. What she didn’t believe was that Regina wouldn’t leave her. Who in their right mind would stay with her when she was as damaged as she was? She didn’t feel like it was the right moment to voice her doubts and just waited.

“Is it okay if I get your underwear off and get you into the shower?” Regina asked after a while.

Emma just nodded again and leaned forward to let Regina undo her bra. It didn’t take long until she was fully naked, and Regina helped her into the shower. At this point Emma felt like some of her strength was returning but she still felt like sitting down while the water hit her hard. Regina sat down on the toilet lid, ready if Emma called out for her.

She somehow managed to get clean and stayed sitting for a while whilst the water slowly warmed her up again.

“Could you maybe turn off the water and get me a towel?”

Regina got to her feet and did as Emma had asked her. She turned when Emma got out of the shower and walked to stand in the doorway.

“Where are you going?” Emma felt a pang of anxiousness by being left alone.

“I thought I should get you some clean clothes,” Regina replied and waited for Emma to nod in acceptance before heading out of the bathroom.

Emma was left sitting where Regina had sat while waiting for her to shower. As quickly as she could she tried to dry herself off so that she wouldn’t start freezing. It didn’t take long before Regina was back with clothes for her and turned around while she got them on.

“Thank you,” she said as she flung the towel over the shower to dry.

“Of course,” Regina replied and gave her a reassuring smile Emma felt like she would give anything to keep seeing for the rest of her life. A smile so warm that it immediately filled her with a sensation of being safe – being home. If all of their stay here would be filled with smiles like that, perhaps it wouldn’t be too bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo you're up for a bit of a drama now. I apologize in advance.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Regular updates is not my strong suit.

Regina was walking out of the bathroom, through her bedroom and into the kitchen and dining area. Emma followed her and sat down at the chair Regina was holding out for her by the dining table.

“So, Emma.”

Emma could feel it coming. The serious talk they were bound to have at some point. Because hadn’t Regina just found her passed out in the bathroom? Hadn’t Regina just literally had to help her like you help a child who can’t wash on their own? Of course, there would be questions.

Regina headed back to the stove and pulled a pot over and turned on the heat before sitting down on a chair across the table from Emma.

“I don’t know how to talk about this in a way that doesn’t make you uncomfortable or makes you want to run away, or have me stay out of your life, but something has to change Emma.”

Regina folded her hands in front of her and tried to keep her voice as steady as she could.

“I don’t want to think about how close you are to actually be dying at this point. The only thing I should do – the only responsible thing to do – would have been to take you to a hospital where they could make sure you didn’t.”

Regina’s voice was getting thick with emotion and Emma felt the urge to get up and away from the table.

“I won’t… Yet… I am giving this a chance, but Emma, if you don’t show any signs of getting better at all I see no other choice. I couldn’t stand it if you… If you were to… If you weren’t here anymore,” Regina was properly crying at this point. Tears were streaming down her face and Emma’s face was burning.

Emma opened her mouth to answer but Regina beat her to it.

“So this is how it is going to go,” she wiped her tears from her face and sat up a little straighter.

“I will be by your side at any given time. When and if you feel up for it, we will talk. But the main thing is that I will make sure your body gets the nutrients it needs. And that it stays in your body, ok?” Regina gave her some time to think about what she just said and stood up and walked back to the stove.

Emma rested her head in her hands. She couldn’t believe how her acting had failed so miserably. The brilliant plan she had and how this was supposed to last only a couple of days. She figured she would have to rethink that plan for now. Emma felt like pulling her hair out and flinging herself to the floor, rolling around, screaming and crying like little kid throwing a tantrum. Instead she sat completely still as Regina placed a bowl in front of her.

“We’re starting now. So please, finish the soup.”

Regina gave her a spoon before getting her own serving and sitting down at the table again.

Emma picked up the spoon and looked up at Regina who was already eating her own food. She hesitated for another moment before she started to eat her own soup.

She felt how the soup slowly filled her up. It took maybe four spoons of food before her stomach felt like it couldn’t take anymore. After trying to get the fifth into her mouth for what felt like ages she finally gave up and put her spoon down. She could feel Regina look at her at this point and looked up to meet her gaze.

“We’ll just sit here until you’re finished. There’s no need to rush.”

Regina probably said this to be reassuring. What she didn’t seem to know was that Emma could sit here for the rest of the night. Emma would see this as a challenge to eat as slowly as she possibly could.

Then it hit her… Why? Why couldn’t she just try to finish this for once and stop being silly about food. Emma shook her head and picked up the spoon again and forced it to her mouth followed by instant regret.

She felt how this was just going worse with every spoonful she got down. Her stomach was filled to what felt like the point of it bursting when she couldn’t bear it anymore. The food was coming back up without her even wanting to. She got to her feet and ran to the bathroom, crouched down in front of the toilet _just_ in time to empty her stomach into the bowl.

Soft hands held her hair as she continued getting rid of the dinner. Regina didn’t say anything, just let her finish and made sure she was done before letting go of her hair.

Emma couldn’t bear to look at Regina at this point, so she merely got to her feet and started washing her mouth and face. She let out a ragged sigh as she glimpsed her reflection in the mirror. Red, empty eyes were staring back at her.

“I didn’t mean to,” Emma started as she turned around to face Regina again.

“I swear I didn’t mean to. I just couldn’t keep it down… I tried to, I really did.”

She couldn’t look at her face, afraid of the disappointment that was sure to be written all over Regina’s face. Hadn’t she just said she would ship her off to the hospital if the food didn’t stay in her system? And Emma would not set foot inside a hospital ever again. She had sworn to herself that last time was the end of it.

She wrapped her arms around herself to reassure herself perhaps, all whilst looking at the floor. She felt so small and vulnerable in front of Regina. After she had just witnessed her not even being able to keep down a few mouthfuls of soup. She waited for a scolding that didn’t seem to come.

Gentle hands made contact with her arms. Emma looked up in surprise and found nothing but concern and warmth in Regina’s face.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” she asked, not wanting to make Emma feel uncomfortable.

Emma had stiffened at the touch but gave a small nod. Regina’s arms wrapped around her frail body and pulled her into a warm and soft embrace.

They stood there for a moment before Emma finally relaxed into her arms and let out a deep sigh.

“Maybe this was too much too soon. Let’s try something else, shall we?”

Emma hadn’t noticed how Regina had started stroking her back reassuringly but found she didn’t mind. Being in Regina’s arms like this made her feel safer than what she had felt like in a very long time.

She nodded in agreement to Regina’s question. The moment dragged on for what seemed like an eternity for Emma. She could feel the panic starting to build inside of her again and she pulled away.

Regina gave her a small smile and walked back to the kitchen and gave her a glass of water before starting to look through the fridge. Emma took the glass and sat by the table again. The bowl of soup was still in front of her. Nausea crept up in her only by looking at it. She pushed it away and started sipping the water.

Regina placed a small plate of sliced apples in front of her.

“Try some of these perhaps? You always used to like my apples,” Regina said before sitting down with her own plate of apples.

Emma thanked her quietly before starting to nibble on one of the slices. It didn’t feel too bad. Her stomach still felt sore from just having emptied it into the toilet, but it was bearable.

They sat in silence for a while before Regina spoke again.

“Do you prefer silence while you’re eating? Or do you find it easier if we are talking?”

Emma hesitated before answering.

“Uhm… I don’t like talking myself, that will just give me an opportunity to avoid eating,” she figured she might as well try to be honest to her best ability.

“But if you could I would like for you to talk so I don’t have to focus so much on the food I’m actually eating,” she added a bit more hesitant.

“Of course, anything you need,” Regina answered before she started with a story of what she had done at work before going away with Emma.

Small, mundane things that would probably seem uninteresting to anyone else, but Emma listened and asked a couple of questions and added some comments here and there, but mostly she sat in silence and focused on what Regina was telling her. The time seemed to fly and when she went to pick up another slice of apple, she realized she had finished what was on the plate.

Regina was in the middle of a story of how one of her employees had caused her to lose some paperwork Emma didn’t quite understand the meaning of, but it had of course ended with Regina threatening to fire the employee. Emma knew she wouldn’t actually do it but smiled at the thought of angry Regina with her useless minions.

This all felt so normal, and so far, she wasn’t freaking out about the apple she had just devoured and Emma thought to herself that this might actually work this time.

* * *

They had talked for a good while after they both finished eating. It was mostly Regina who talked but it did exactly what Emma had hoped for. It was distracting her from what she had been eating so that she didn’t freak out.

When Emma had started yawning, they eventually turned in for the night and Emma had gone upstairs and Regina into her master bedroom.

Emma was currently turning around in bed. Without Regina to talk there was nothing to take her mind off the usual thoughts that haunted her before bed. What she had eaten that day, or the day before or the entire week. Planning the next day’s meals and workout. Her head felt like it was on the point of exploding.

Her bare feet met the cold floor when she decided she couldn’t take it anymore. She quickly found her clothes and got dressed and tried her very best to be as quiet as she possibly could when walking down the stairs. So far so good. She made it to the entrance and found her sneakers.

She was just finishing tightening the last shoe and doing the knot when she heard noises behind her.

“What are you doing?”

Regina was standing in her pyjamas looking like she just woke up.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going for a run,” Emma couldn’t help the sarcastic tone to her voice, but she really didn’t need Regina to stop her from going out right now.

“At two in the morning?” Regina had stepped closed and looked like she might try to physically stop Emma from going out the door.

“Yes – at two in the morning. I need to get some fresh air,” Emma went to open the door, but Regina beat her to it and held a hand on the door, preventing Emma from opening it.

“You are not going for a run. That is out of the question,” Regina’s voice was stern as if there was no discussion to be had on the subject.

“You can’t force me!” Emma felt anger rising through her body as she mustered all her strength before somehow shoving Regina out of the way and ripping the door open.

She didn’t look back when she started running from the cabin into the forest where she had gone earlier. The thought of the conversation that was waiting when she got back sent shivers down her spine. She pushed that to the back of her mind as she picked up her pace and continued in through the dark forest.

There was no lighting around her, but it was a clear night and the moon shone enough to let her at least see where she put her feet. It felt so freeing to run from all her thoughts and feelings. Blood pumping through her body, filling her ears with that drum-like sound. Her breath getting louder and the sound of her feet hitting the forest floor was all she needed in this very moment. She had left all her anxiety back at the cabin. Along with the only person who seemed to care about her. Well – Emma thought – that was a worry for another time, and she continued her flight through the forest, not knowing what waited her when she got back.


End file.
